We’re dealing with an age-old topic here today. Just why do men cheat?
Throughout history, infidelity has been experienced everywhere from working communities, to royal courts.
For some it was tied up with career advancement, others a weapon in blackmail, and others still it caused fractious divorces, and even murder.
But on a brighter note, it also helped some unhappy people realize what true love is.
Today, as sexually liberal as we are, cheating is still a big no-no, and for good reason.
It’s relationship betrayal in the worst way possible.
What qualifies as cheating?
First things first.
Cheating can be a lot of things, and it’s up to you and him where you draw the line.
Whether it’s when your man has female friends, looks at another woman, kisses her, or sleeps with her.
Personally, I prefer to stick with the three most telling acts: the kiss, sex, and the emotional connection.
Believe it or not, there are different reasons behind each.
And you’ll like it even less when I tell you that in some instances, it’s our fault.
But to go into more detail we need to set a few things straight,.
What goes on in a man’s head?
We often wonder what is it that pushes a man into another woman’s arms.
More importantly, how can he reconcile with it, and even do it again, with yet another woman?
The secret to understanding this behavior lies behind the veil of psychology and subconscious behavior.
Because not everything about cheating is rational or calculated behavior.
Strategic cheaters
Strategic cheaters are those guys that will hurt you.
There could be an underlying problem that he is letting fester when he should bring it up with you.
Now, he wants to show you there is a problem, and cheating is the only way he’ll do it.
These are men who are emotionally stunted, and, to them, cheating is simply a way of controlling you or inflicting pain.
The Good Guys
On the other side of the coin, there are the Good Guys. You never expected infidelity, because you assumed they’re better than that.
What happens is that after he cheated, he realized he did something wrong.
But he doesn’t want to lose what he has with you so he rationalizes it.
Rationalization often occurs when we know we’re doing something wrong, but we downplay it.
“I’m on my diet, but it’s just one burger, it doesn’t mean anything.”
Fast forward two hours later and you still feel guilty over eating a burger you said you wouldn’t.
The Good Guys do the same. They dismiss cheating as something trivial to cope with their own guilt.
That’s why they’re angry when you make a fuss. You’re reminding them about why they should feel guilty.
Types of cheating
So now we can get into the nitty-gritty of why do men cheat. Men can cheat for many different reasons.
However, we can sort them into three main groups:
Cheating as a personality flaw
There’s a certain type of man for whom cheating is part of his nature.
It’s often a character trait he developed sometime during early adulthood or part of how he is genetically predisposed.
Perhaps he grew up in an environment where cheating was common, and so he proceed to behave this way himself, regardless of who he might hurt in the process.
When temptation is presented to these cheaters, they don’t even try to resist it.
They don’t even try to rationalize their behavior afterwards, like we mentioned before.
Cheating because of unhappiness
Or more commonly known as cheating because there’s “something missing.”
Some men tend to search for emotional comfort or intimacy when their relationship provides neither.
The two of you have either drifted apart, or a turbulent event has made you grow cold.
In these situations, many men step out to try to fill the void.
To feel alive, intimate and involved again.
They look for an emotional connection with another woman who will give him more respect and appreciation.
Perhaps you need to make sure you’re doing everything you can to prevent this from happening.
Situational cheating
This type of cheating occurs when a change in the environment creates conditions for it.
A man might be perfectly happy with the relationship, and he’s not the cheating type.
But something about the surroundings makes it harder to resist the urge.
Getting a new job, moving to a new city or country, or otherwise making the relationship long-distance.
How does this affect infidelity?
Well, in a mixed male-female work environment, in a job position that involves more physical contact, personal conversations or a lot of one-on-one time, affairs are more likely to occur.
And, generally, those who live in large cities are exposed to a greater number of people as opposed to smaller towns or the countryside.
Does that mean he doesn’t love me?
He doesn’t love you if he exhibits any of the following types of behavior:
- Cheating on you more than once
- Constantly looking at other women EVEN when you’re there
- Seeking out the company of other women in general
- Showing less and less respect for you.
However, a man who cheats doesn’t necessarily hate you or feel emotionally detached.
How to know he still loves you:
- He asks you for forgiveness
- Constantly tries to find ways to redeem himself
- Admits to having cheated
- Accepts his guilt, doesn’t say it’s all your fault, and wants to find a solution to whatever problem exists between you
Why he cheats with certain women
I’m going to answer this very simply, as one movie opened my eyes to this question.
The movie “Why Did I Get Married” (Tyler Perry) features a story about four couples with completely different marital issues.
And one of them deals with a cheating husband.
In a bar scene, he admits to his friends how another woman provides what his own wife can’t.
His wife is insecure, too kind and meek, and he’s not physically attracted to her.
However, a friend of his chimes in, saying that marriage comes down to the 80/20 rule.
You get 80% of what you want and need, because 100% doesn’t exist.
And that’s okay; it’s how a great number of happy marriages work.
But a 20% comes along in another woman. And regardless of having 80% in his relationship, the other 20% seems really tempting, like it’s something he’s been craving all his life.
And he ultimately does get the 20%, only to realize he’s lost the 80%.
Men cheat with women who they believe can give them something different.
Something they’ve been missing.
Don’t believe me?
Let’s look at the statistics
Men are more likely to cheat, with 24% admitting they cheated at least once during their marriage, and 57% during a relationship.
They’re also more likely to be repeat offenders, with a 350% chance of having an affair multiple times after their first.
Some studies also came to an interesting conclusion. The Sun published an article that says employed people are most likely to carry out their affair on a Monday morning, on their way to work.
Not only that, but there is the shocking fact that 74% of surveyed men said they’d cheat if there was a guarantee they would never get caught.
Another study claims that 36% of cheating is committed with a coworker.
The second largest number are, surprisingly, sisters-in-law.
How can you recognize a cheater?
You might know your man, but he may know how to hide his secrets.
You might have already discovered the clear signs of infidelity in your relationship.
But as I mentioned before, if he doesn’t come clean, he may not love you enough to own up to his mistakes and try to keep you.
There’s also the chance that he’s trying to signal it to you, and not express it verbally.
So keep an eye out on any subtle clues, like buying you gifts out of the blue, or coming home in a visibly different mood, and so on.
What you can do for yourself
First, what you can do is to stop blaming yourself.
Yes, whatever happened between you two may have led him to a certain state of mind…
But you’re not the one who put him in someone else’s bed, are you?
Being cheated on creates a heavy emotional and mental toll you might not recover from if you let it consume you.
It causes depression, a change in eating habits, and anxiety.
It also increases the chance of engaging in “risky behavior.”
Women start with alcohol or drug abuse, or even become unfaithful themselves with completely random men.
To keep your sanity intact, try to emotionally shut yourself off from the event, and look at it rationally.
Find a way to communicate to your man how you feel.
Don’t let him turn you into a hysterical cheated-on woman who overreacted to nothing.
Because rationalizing an affair is trivializing it in his mind.
How to prevent him from cheating
There are several things you can do:
- Work on your emotional connection. Solidify your bond, by showing him how much you love him. We’re often just like children: we pick up on subtle signs and changes in behavior more than verbal statements. If you don’t show your love enough, how will he know?
- Don’t neglect sex. Sex is an important aspect of every intimate relationship, and there needs to be a place for it in your life. Look for ways you two can enrich your sex life together. Try new, different things; even seek counselling if needs be. Let him know you’re willing to fight to make this thing work.
- Be the only thing he wants. Little do we women know that simply being ourselves is what keeps them locked into the relationship, and unwilling to leave. By working on ourselves and being the best we can be (for ourselves), we draw men close to us. The simplest things you say could make it impossible for him to even look at another woman.
Affairs are a deep part of both men and women. But knowing this won’t change what’s ultimately rooted in each of us, as change has to come from the individual themselves.
However it helps us understand affairs better, and what we can do to protect ourselves from the emotional suffering.
Even more, it shows us what we can do to nurture a relationship he’ll be happy in.
Because you’ll only achieve peace of mind when you know you’re doing everything you can to be the best partner possible. And if he cheats in spite of this, your conscience will be clear.